Thursday, June 12, 2014


It's late.  Really late. 
I should be in bed sleeping. 
 But I can't. 
My heart is heavy as I contemplate my life. 
What it's worth.  What I will do with it. 
 In my minds eye I can not help but see a little girl lying on a street somewhere in China. 
 Pushed out of a car in front of a safe haven. 
How can I respond? 
How can I not respond?
All I see is my little Raina lying there. 
It's not her...but it could have been. 
My stomach turns. 
Tears fall. 
 My heart hurts.
It's not the first time. 
It won't be the last time. 
I've seen each of  my children, in the form of other children,
 with desperate eyes. 
Desperate circumstances. 
And I cry. 
 I cry for the child.  I cry for the birth parents. 
 I can not fathom their pain. 
Such desperate decisions.
They have done nothing to deserve such heartache. 

I see my heart,
In all it's ugliness.
So selfish.
So full of wants,
that become "needs".
So filled with ME.

I see my excuses.
My plate is full.
I'm tired.
Actually, I'm more than tired.
All the unending work.
Little time for R&R.
So much to do.
So little time.

It makes me sick.
It makes me sad.
God have mercy on my selfish heart.

I pray.
For the orphans. 
For the parents making heart wrenching choices.

But mostly I pray for me.
That what I know, will not overwhelm.
That what I know will drive me to action.
Not sure how.
But somehow,