Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Tough Stuff!

It seems to be the story of my life lately...being tired, overwhelmed, tired, busy, tired.  My motto has become "Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will all get done!" all the while leaning in to Jesus more and more.

 I knew I had a lot on my plate, but didn't realize exactly how much it was really affecting me....until last week Thursday.
As many of you know, Malia was scheduled for surgery on Thursday and we were expecting a 1-5 day hospital stay.  We were prepared...as much as we could be.  And then life threw us into a bit of a tail spin!  We waited till 3 pm the day of the surgery, only to be told there wasn't enough time for the surgery to be done.  I reacted.  I was angry.  I couldn't even mutter too many words.  (Thank God for that!  Cause it stopped me from saying things I would have regretted!)

 I felt it was incredibly unfair to Malia who hadn't eaten since supper time the night before.  She was asking for food.   She was begging for water.  She was stressed! 
I was upset because of the stress it places on my other kids.  My littlest 2 find it difficult to have Mommy and Malia gone.  There were tears the night before. 
I was upset at how it disrupted Martin's work.  Lately it seems that if it's not -35 or colder, I'm busy with appointments, funerals, etc, and Martin has to take time off.  When he finally has a day to work it's back to -35.  For those of you that are self employed you know the freedom of being self employed, but you also know the stress of it.  The fear is always about losing work...losing a contract...mostly a large contract.  The ones that make up half our income. 
Unfortunately, in my exhausted mind, those are the things I thought of instantly when I was told surgery was cancelled. 
Thankfully, in my old age, I have learned to hold my tongue (to a point!  Who am I kidding?!? lol!), slowly learning to be thankful for the "little" things, and slowly learning to trust God more and more.
Thankfully, there were a bunch of people on fb praying and reminding me that God is in control.
Thankfully, within minutes I was able to be thankful.  Thankful that the little guy that was wailing cause he was so very hungry, was able to have his surgery.  Thankful that Malia is a trooper and even though she was hungry, she wasn't crying. 
But mostly, I was thankful for God's promises.  He takes care of the birds in the air and the flowers in the fields and we are so much more important to Him!  He holds us in the palm of His hand!  I can rest assured that the plans He has for us are so much better than our own!
I trust there is a reason the surgery was cancelled. and I'm praying that I will know why.  Not because I need that as confirmation of God's promises, but because I love seeing His hand in my life and I love telling others about it!
In spite of being able to be thankful, I was still an emotional wreck!  I was bawling!  It was like the past few weeks of emotion piled up and the tears couldn't be stopped.
See the thing is this...When I'm in the moment of prepping my kids for surgery, waiting for surgery, waiting to see my kids after surgery, caring for my kids as they recover...I am cool and calm.  People observing me during this time often comment and ask how I can be so calm.  I think it is a God given gift!  He knew what we would face...lots and lots of surgeries!  He knew that without His peace I would worry, worry, worry....and cry, cry, cry.  It's not like I don't worry.  I do!  And it's not like I don't cry.  I do!  But I've always been able to put it in God's hands where it belongs.  Having said that...by the time a surgery day is over and I am finally back at home...I process and file things in my brain and heart...and that's when my emotions come to the forefront.  It's when the emotional exhaustion takes over.
In the past few weeks, I've had a lot of emotional stuff to deal with...Grandma passing away, her funeral, kids dealing with me being gone, Martin's Dad being ill and being moved to a nursing home, seeing and feeling the pain my father in law and mother in law are in (it breaks my heart!) as the adjust to this new way of living, and Jackson's surgery...and I think I got behind in processing and filing. 
And I think that's ok!  Cause sometimes people think I just don't feel enough/anything because of how I handle tough stuff.  The thing is I do feel...a lot!  I always hated how I handled stuff and wished I could express my pain, empathy and compassion better.  I now know that although it may not be seen as the best way to handle stuff...God is using it!  It's what keeps me from completely losing it in tough situations and it allows me to be a support to my kids when they need it most! 

The flip side of all this is what is happening to my soul.  God is using it to slowly change me.  He's slowly helping me to hold my tongue, have words of support and encouragement, express my emotions more appropriately, and love more.

So even though I really do not enjoy this kind of "hard", I'll take it!  He really does make all things work for our benefit!

PS:  To some it may seem that I share too much about my personal struggles and victories, and I often hesitate to share what's on my heart.  But I feel it is important to share. Perhaps in some odd way, what I write will be an encouragement to someone?  A reminder of God's goodness?  A reminder of God's promises?

If it is that to even one person, sharing and being vulnerable is well worth it! 

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